Unconditional Love

There are mornings when the last thing I feel like doing is reading my Bible.  Most of the time, I find that my attitude changes as I read, and then I am grateful that I took the time to do so.

There are other times, though, when the whole thing is forced and I still feel like a fraud even after I have read, studied, prayed...

This morning was one of those times.

I cannot even imagine how difficult it must be to lead a church, to preach even when you can't hear God above the noise in your own head.  When you'd really rather just call in sick.  It has to be the most humbling of responsibilities to have, to know there are hundreds of parishioners who will have no other mediator between themselves and God for the next seven days (or longer).

For us, here in our little family, we have seen concrete evidence of the difference that is brought when Preston and I take the time to read our Bibles in the morning, and when Preston takes 30 seconds to hold my hand and pray with me before he leaves for work every day.  It seems like a cliche, I am sure, but even when I open my Bible and retain nothing from my reading, when I pray but do not feel the connection to God, when I drag my grumpy self to church on a Wednesday night when I would really rather stay home and paint my toenails, when I listen to Christian music in the car but hear nothing over the sound of the squabbling children, even in those times, I am better able to feel God's presence through the day than when I consciously choose not to do those things.

So I went to church last night, though I was too tired and distracted to listen to the message.  I read my Bible this morning, struggling through one little old chapter, and I half-heartedly prayed for God's guidance as the day began.  And when I raced to town, late and low on coffee, I parked the radio station on to Christian music (though it is possible that I blew a raspberry at one of the chipper little songs).

Even at times like this, I know God is here.  I feel crappy for treating Him so badly, and I am awed that He still shows up every day, despite the abuse I heap upon Him.  I am grateful, I am undeserving of this unconditional love, and I am humbled.  Always and forever humbled.