The Gift

I am almost at a loss as to where to begin in describing the utter lack of understanding I have about the Holy Spirit.  At some point, many years ago, from some source (but which could very well have been my own bizarre and flawed interpretation of said source), I came to believe that being filled with the Holy Spirit was synonymous with speaking in tongues.

Ergo, if one did not speak in tongues, one was not baptized in the Holy Spirit or filled with the Holy Spirit or indwelt by the Holy Spirit... 

The tongues thing was a BIG part of the church I was raised in, and now that I think about it, I do not recall a service ever going by in which there wasn't at least one instance of someone speaking out in tongues and then having their message interpreted.  At the time, rather than being awed by what was happening, I remember feeling vaguely uncomfortable.  The discomfort was due more to my own fear of being a freak for God than anything else.  

Now though, after speaking with a few people whose opinion I respect greatly, I find myself under the impression that one can be filled with the Holy Spirit without speaking in tongues, and I am relieved by this, though that is a bit embarrassing to admit.  I am still not sure that my understanding is correct, nor am I proud of my fear of speaking in tongues, but there it is.

It is supremely humbling to speak so plainly about this.

It seems to me that I would ideally be getting my answer straight from the Bible, rather than from footnotes in the Study Bible or from a commentary or even from a learned friend or teacher, but the simple truth is that I rely heavily on others to interpret the Bible for me, and this, too, is humbling.

This morning, while reading Acts 2 (again) and digging deeply into each and every word, I found myself reading and re-reading verse 38 for quite some time:  "Peter replied, 'Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.  And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."

I repent on a continuous basis, and if a day goes by in which I have not repented, it is only because I have failed to repent, not because I have run out of things to repent for.  So then, have I been given the gift of the Holy Spirit?  Is it already here and I just don't recognize it or appreciate it?  Has it been given to me, but then did I fail to receive it?  Did I reject the gift?  Do I reject it still?

Am I receiving the gift right now?  Am I being filled at this very moment, and is that why I am finally (FINALLY) feeling the words of the Bible as I read them so hungrily?

Is it even possible to have as strong of a faith as I think I have and yet to be so ignorant?