Obedience

I am not one of those people who hears clearly from God on a regular basis, or even (honesty alert) on an occasional schedule.  There are those who do, I am aware, and when I hear them say, "Well, God told me that..." or "God showed me...," sometimes the only thought I can muster is a grumpy 'Well, bully for you."


This, too, is humbling.


I get nudges that I tend to attribute to God, though I cannot be sure whether it is actually God's voice or my own conscience giving me a pinch, or if there is even any discernible difference between the two.  There is a man in our church, a dry-witted type not prone to emotional demonstrations who is an incredible fount of knowledge on Biblical matters.  He said once (and I paraphrase) that God's voice will sound very much like our own voice.


I found that to be a profound and partially terrifying thought.  If this is true, then I hear from God much more often than I obey Him.


So I have tried to let my conscience be my guide, assuming that it may be God who is guiding me, and hoping for the best rather than actually exerting true effort into learning how to distinguish God's voice.   I am hoping to change that, and I think it is the elusive Holy Spirit who provides that bridge.


Elusive to me, that is.


Sunday morning, I heard loud and clear from God, and I can be sure it was in fact God because of the nature of what was said.  I bowed my head to pray at the end of Sunday School, and before I heard a word from the teacher who was leading the prayer, or even readied my own mind to focus on praying, I heard "Write about me."


Well, clearly that was God, because from what I understand, if anyone truly means it when they pray to God for guidance on what direction their life should go in, then the answer will come as a bit of a shock. See, when I was praying for said guidance (and I have been praying this prayer for many months now), what I meant was, "Should I build my bookkeeping business back up again, or should I be focusing on starting a semi-career in food writing (my great love)?  Should I even be thinking along the lines of making more money or should my attention be aimed more at homeschooling?  Is homeschooling what God would have me to do right now?"


So, yes, what I was doing was giving God a few options that appealed to me, and asking Him to narrow the field down so that I could be doing His will in my life.  And yes, I see the irony here.  How can one truly ask God for guidance without giving God the leeway to decide the entire direction one should move in?


I understand though, that this particular fault is not one that I own all the rights to.  I heard J. Lee Grady speak recently, and he said roughly the same thing, that he prayed, "Lord, send me, just don't make me get on a airplane."  And of course, Mr. Grady now flies all over the globe speaking.  A woman I admire very much has often recounted the tale of when she asked God to guide her steps, but tried to tell Him that she would do anything as long as she didn't have to speak in front of people.  Of course, she was put in front of large groups of women almost immediately.


So I should have known better, because it tends to be Christian literature that I am particularly snobbish about.  While I am fully aware that there is plenty of garbage out there in secular reading material that I could better focus my literary snootiness upon, I find that I am rarely engaged by (brutal honesty alert) contemporary books written for the Christian audience.  These things tend towards the emotional, which I prefer to avoid, and emotional writing often breeds the excessive use of exclamation points.  Actually, that doesn't quite sum up my issue.   See, I just don't talk that way.  I don't say "Well, Praise the Lord," after a particularly moving sermon.  Instead, I say something completely inane (yet perfectly sensible to me), like "That was a rock-and-roll sermon, Pastor."  


I meant it in the best possible way when I said that, and thankfully, I have a pastor who apparently gets where I'm coming from (or else is long-suffering in his manner of humoring me), but you see what I mean, right?  My tone just doesn't lend itself to contemporary Christian writings.


Lest I be completely misunderstood, I do not mean to imply that contemporary Christian writers are not anointed by God, or that I do not respect these authors.  They are beloved by many, their writing is needed, and if God put them on this path, then obviously it is my attitude that needs changing, not their writing style.  And besides, there are plenty of them that I do very much enjoy reading.  Be that as it may though, on Sunday morning, when I clearly heard God say, "Write about me," my first thought was, "Oh, no, you don't, God.  I want to write about food.  This writing thing is mine, and as you know, my knowledge about you is woefully inadequate and I am wholly unprepared to write anything about you.  I want to write about food.  Maybe you could open some doors for me at Vegetarian Times or something along those lines instead, hmmm?"


God has a sense of humor.


I came home with my tail between my legs and thought about not even bringing this up to Preston, but I knew I needed to be obedient (and be held accountable), in whatever form this might take.  If I truly want a deeper relationship with God, then maybe I could start by actually being responsive to God's voice.


And so it is that I am here, writing these words.  Making uncomfortable thoughts public.  Being obedient.