A Fickle Sort

It seems to me that there are those who find themselves happily following God when times are easy, giving glory and praise for the good fortune; and then there are others who lean most on God when things are rough, fasting and praying and depending on God for sustenance and support.

For the most part, I go through cyclical and unpredictable phases, sometimes remembering to hold fast to God in both days of ease and moments of pain, and occasionally doing the exact opposite in similar circumstances.  Truly, I think my faithfulness to my own faith is most dependable when the middle ground is holding steady.

What appalls me is that I am so fickle in my devotion to the God of my life.

I am ashamed to pick up my Bible and expect understanding to come when I have been so neglectful in my reading for days on end.  I find it hard to pray after going a week without even thinking about talking to God, and I feel like a terrible fraud when my eyes well with tears during praise & worship at church on Sunday when I have just spent the previous day complaining bitterly to myself about every minute detail that sprang to mind.

How can I expect this relationship to thrive when the work is all done by God?  When I am unfaithful?  When I have acted petulant and have been nothing more than a cranky nag?

A human relationship would never even materialize, much less last, under these circumstances.  Rather than being grateful for God's fidelity though, I find Him even more difficult to relate to, knowing that I am so undeserving of His love.

As always, I think I may have gone one step forward recently, only to have taken another three steps back.  Then again, Square One is the place I am most comfortable with, so I will begin again with God, begging for forgiveness that I know will be granted, and asking for help that I am certain will be given.

After all, God does not suffer from human shortcomings.  He will never be fickle.