My Utmost

I have been in another dead zone with my spiritual life lately, as evidenced by my conspicuous absence here.  Since my return to church seven years ago, there has been an ebb and flow in my relationship with God that is difficult to own up to sometimes, and is something that rarely seems to be discussed in the religious circles I find myself in.  To be sure, I have heard countless sermons and Bible studies and other small group discussions on how important daily quiet time is, and how necessary daily Bible reading is, but occasionally I have wondered why these teachers rarely seem to acknowledge that even in study and prayer, dead zones occur.

As it turns out of course, as I felt the distance grow between myself and God (if only in my own heart), I did indeed slow down in my pursuit of God, and finally just begin to forget to seek God on a daily basis.  Then a few days would pass, and I would barely glance at the cover of my Bible as I did nothing but walk on by.

These times rarely have anything to do with doubting God.  If anything, they tend to come when everything is going just fine.  Life just begins to creep in, Bible reading becomes less of a priority, my prayer time becomes cursory, praise and worship at church is just the time spent between arrival and the main event of the sermon.

I have not found a solution.  No pat answer as to how to miraculously feel a deep connection to spiritual matters.  No three step process to restore an intimate relationship with God.

The only thing that ever works for me, in my spiritual life as in almost every other facet of life itself, is to just keep on keeping on.  I get up on Sunday morning and go to church, whether I feel like it or not.  I ignore the pile of work on my desk and go to Wednesday night Bible study even when I have a long list of reasons why I don't have time to do so.  I pick a Beth Moore study or a John Bevere book and I force it.

The alternative, to not go to church, to allow myself to drift farther, would be unacceptable to the way my mind works.  And I know how hypocritical it sounds, nee how meaningless, to go about my religious business as if all is fine when it clearly isn't, but it isn't my faith I am faking.  It is my dedication.

No matter what, I believe in God.  I accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior.  I desire to live a life according to God's will and purpose.  Even when I have idea what His will and purpose is, and I lack the fervor to find out.

Right now, as I stumble through a lack of inspiration in my creative endeavors and in my search to know God more, I am choosing to look to Oswald Chambers both for guidance and for accountability.  Preston has long read My Utmost for His Highest, and while it didn't appeal to me years ago when I first paged through the book, it is speaking to me now in it's sincerity and through it's calm, non-exclamatory tone.  I found it online, along with accompanying daily Bible reading, and I have parked the site right smack dab in the middle of my Google reader so that I run into it every day when I am doing my blog readings.  At a time of day when I was so recently finding it difficult to care about reading my Bible, I find it to be a welcome nudge every morning.  And in the spirit of keeping on keeping on, I read it even when it doesn't speak to me (because not every moment with God is going to involve A Miracle or An Encounter).

I read it, and I accept that God is quietly working in my life.  I read it, and I know that this dry spell will last only for a season.  I read it, and I know that I will experience other miracles and other encounters in time.  I read it, and I know that God honors my dedication, even when it is half-hearted.  I read it, and I know that no matter how unfaithful I am, God is ever-faithful.  I read it, and I know that even when I do not feel His presence, He is always there.